Epiphany Or Somethin' Like That
by Euphoric Fool
Summary: Tasuki ponders over things in a philosophical manner. Or not.


**Epiphany Or Somethin' Like That**

Rating: T for language and some sexual suggestions.

Summary: Tasuki ponders on his life in a philosophical manner. Or not.

Pairings: Some very minor MiakaXTasuki hints.

Spoilers: The entire series. So if you want to remain unspoiled, do not read.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing, not even the scratch of paper that they characters were created on.

Author's Notes: 

Grammar mistakes and such are fully intentional. I really do not know what to say about this fic, as it is the most daring thing I have ever written. It is very seldom that I actually use such casual language; therefore, writing this was really a challenge. An enjoyable challenge, though.

I am a tad bit sceptical about sharing this because it could be the worst fic of my life. However, I am willing to take risks.

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Ye know, somethin' strange- actually horribly freaky- is happenin' to me lately. And many strange things have happened to me. Like bein' trapped in a desert while having an illusionary dream about drinking and making silly faces- I love makin' silly faces. I make 'em constantly when I am drunk cause it's a lot of fun. And fun things make me and others smile.After all, someone has to be the clown in a group. 

Hah, I am always in a some strange mood when I am drunk; I always get emotional and start sayin' strange and stupid things. Like now, for example-it is an odd thing. Still, strange things happen to me all the time. Like bein' a bandit and the protecter of a miko at the same time; don't ya think that it's slightly contradictatory?

I mean, a bandit usually doesn't spend time botherin' taking care of other people, save his team of bandits. However, ye have to understand that a bunch of bandits is a like a pack of wolves- only the strongest survive. The weak 'uns are doomed and liable to fall. Enough of that, it's not what I wanted to 'ell ye.

The strangest thing , however, is bein' best friends with a mask-wearing, idiotic and strange monk, who spends his days a-gazing at the sky in a wistful way. Makes me wonder, what he sees in the sky; there is really nothing special about it, apart from the blazin' sun. And it seems odd to me that someone would want to gaze at a blazin' sun for hours. Who knows, maybe it helps to relax or somethin'. How am I supposed to know? He does a lot of strange things, things that I won't even mention cause they're so strange.

Also, he constantly goes fishin', even though he never catches a damn fish in the first place. Sometimes I suspect that Chichiri does that because he wishes to reflect on somethin'. He does that a lot, ya know.

Honestly, I mostly haven't got the slightest idea what's going on in that midget's mind: he is about as predictable as a rainfall in some smoulderin' desert. With that, I am tryin' to say that he isn't predictable at all, if yer to dumb to figure it out. I mean try spendin' yer life with someone, who mostly hides his real emotions under a mask and never really tells ye what's on his mind: it can be really frightenin' at times.

Hey, I ain't sayin' that I don't enjoy Chichiri's company- he is a fantastic guy. Wise and rational, he mostly finds the right words to stop me from hyperventilating- when I see a puddle of water- or beatin' someone into a bloody pulp. It's not that I'm a violent guy, I just like to beat people, who deserve to be treated like that. And that happens fairly often.There are many stupid bastards in this good ole' world.

Times like that, really make me miss that that fuckin' ole bastard Tamahome, whom I could always beat into a bloody pulp. Not that I hated him or anythin', it was just our way of showin' affection. I loved brawling with that idiot because he deserved that after havin' nearly killed me that one time; also he was just one great fighter.

Chichiri is too peace-lovin' and quiet to appreciate boyish fights or drinkin'. Still, he is one of me most cherished friends.

'Sides, he is the only one left of the Suzaku Seishi and he knows me- even better than my bandit brother Kouji. Really, he seems to be able to read my thoughts and always knows what's botherin' me. It gets rather annoying at times because I feel so damn vulnerable around 'im. And I hate feeling vulnerable. It makes me feel so uncertain.

What I meanin' to say is that few things cause me to shake me head or make go a ponderin' about them. Ye know, I am mostly a rather straight-forward guy and do not spend much time botherin' about me emotions and stuff. It frightens me immensely and that is why I mostly ignore 'em. If I did succumb to 'em, I guess I would get all teary-eyed and behave like an idiot, 'cause some memories cause me to get all emotional. Like the memory of seein' Nuriko all pale and dead in the snow; I still feel the goose bumps crawlin' all over my skin when I remember that. That feeling of helplessness, despair and utter disbelief was one of the worst moments in my life:

I mean fucking shit, it was horrible. Imagine seein' one of yer dearest friends lyin' dead in the snow and being perfectly incapable of doin' something against that. I felt horrible and would have done anythin' just to see Nuriko smile again. Anythin' to make 'im come back again. I would have rather seen the world go under than relive this moment again. That ye can believe me.

Enough of that, I have been thinkin' too much about this.

And only weak-willed losers spend their time thinkin' about some dumb thing or brood in darkness. Yet, here I am: sittin' in some smelly old bar that reeks of urine and alcohol- that strong odour basically lingers around this place here. It is a stifling smell like the smell of cheese, only a dozen times stronger.

However, I don't really care about the condition as only one thing is of interest to me here. I wouldn't even care if wild boars were runnin' and gruntin' about the place; it wouldn't ruin my enjoyment in drinkin' sake. Nothing ever ruins my pleasure in drinkin' that stuff- it is the sugar of me life.

Not that I've ever seen wild boars in a city before; it would certainly be an interesting sight. More interestin' then the imbeciles, who are now fightin' about yellow ducks or something like that. For a moment, I feel slightly tempted to join 'em until I remember that yellow ducks don't exist. Shame that they don't. Haha, now they are arguin' about somethin' even odder: they are comparin' their noses to each other and arguing about who has the longest one. How stupid. What a waste of time.

Drunken bastards. Even women are better than that and I absolutely hate 'em. Hate 'em. There ain't nothing worse than tampering females. They mostly cause nothin' but trouble and then expect ya to make everything good again. Hypocrites, I wonder why they can't do it themselves. Do I hate them; they make me life so troublesome.

Still, I especially hate 'em because they cause trouble and spend time bickernin' about ye. About how useless, stupid and idiotic ye are. Or they break yer heart and leave it to rot like a bloody piece of old meat. Not that it ever happened to me- I ain't no bloody fool to allow somethin' like that- but I've seen countless men fall in love with some woman just to have their heart ripped out. There is nothing more harmful than a broken heart; weapons can kill ya quickly but a lovesick man has to suffer for years. In my humble opinion, I sincerely think that it's better to die of some fuckin' wound than a broken heart. A broken heart makes ya slowly bleed to death: a horrifyin' thing.

I mean fallin' love is the silliest thing ye can ever do. To me it seems that it only brings ye nothing but pain; at least that is what I think Hotohori felt when Miaka chose Tamahome. Honestly, he was the perfect guy: kind, understanding, loyal and gentle. Not to mention, that he was an emperor. In spite of that, he never got her. Don't get me wrong, I am not blamin' Miaka but sometimes I really ask myself why she never really gave 'im a chance.

Still, I could also be wrong 'cause I've not really had a lot to do with women. The only time I've ever been with a woman was during that one instance when the chief decided that it was time. Time to go earn a reputation or somethin' like that. That means that I was forced to lose my virginity in order to become a fuckin' bandit. I didn't really want to do it, even tried protestin' against that but in the end, it was a lost battle. I had no other choice but to obey me leader's orders; he only meant the best, after all. He even suggested that it was goin' to be fun. And I fuckin' believed him 'cause he was my hero and all. He couldn't be wrong, could he?

But it was not a lotta fun in the first place, as she was some half-drunken, scantily dressed whore, who only cared about bein' finished with me quickly. And she did to that, I mean finish me off quickly. And I did not regret that 'cause she was one smelly ole' woman, who looked like a rotten old fish. And smelled like 'un too.

I have to say, I was terribly disgusted and had me eyes closed for the whole time as it felt strange. I felt dirty and was incredibly ashamed of doin' something that dirty. It was incredibly embarrassing to feel these strange coarse hands- very much like a man's- roamin' over my body and makin' me feel all uncomfortable.

Thankfully, I only had to do it once. After that, I always declined Koji's offer to visit a brothel; it was disgusting enough for me to have that one humilatin' experience. For me, it is disgusting to touch some unknown woman without at least bein' in love with her.

Of course, it's strange sayin' that- bein' a bandit and all- but I believe that somethin' like that should only be shared between lovers and not be a casual business. I do have some pride, ye know. And sleepin' with a whore is a cowardly thing to do because it shows that yer either too lazy or scared to find someone to love.

Enough of that, all this love talkin' is making me feel strange again because it reminds me of 'em. Not Miaka and Tamahome, ya idiotic fool but of the other Suzaku Seishi and our adventures. Miaka and Tamahome were really sappy at times and remind me constantly of why fallin' in love is a stupid thing. It turns ya into an stammerin' idiot like Tamahome. And I don't want to be no stammerin' fool; it would be bad for my reputation and all.Yet, at times, and don't ye make fun of me, I was a bit jealous of their idiotic love: they were so damn happy.

Thinkin' about all this, I rather miss these adventures and the friends I've found. With the exception of Chichiri, I've lost 'em all. Course, ye can say that I've still got the bandits and Kouji but somehow this isn't enough. The bandits aren't the ones, who where at my side when Nakago was attempting to kill us all or when we travelled that long way to find a way to summon Suzaku. They just weren't there with me.

We, Suzaku Seishi, were companions, enemies, fighters but, most importantly, we were friends. Real friends. And apart from Kouji, I've not had many real friends.

We weren't only comrades but brothers, who were fightin' for the same goal- we were part of somethin' grand and important. And we were immensely proud of it. Ye know, durin' that time I got to know so many brave and wonderful people, whom I grew to respect and admire. Not only that, we were like a real family and often spent time teasin' and drinkin' together. For example, me and Nuriko would have the grandest time drinkin' his special mix while laughin' about various things. Sometimes Chirchiri would join us and brighten the mood by sharin' his tales. And he had a lot funny tales to tell. He still has.

Wait, I am not tellin' you what I wanted to say, I wanted to tell ye somethin' about brave people. And I've seen many brave acts.

Take Chiriko for example, who was one brave little kid. I mean he stabbed himself just to save as all, even though he was only a only a little child. He did not even hesitate for a second and kept on stabbing himself until that hideous monster stopped attackin' us. I don't think that I could have done somethin' like that: I would have been too scared.

For cryin' out loud, I've seen a lot of men runnin' away in fear when their best friends or even families were being attacked but that little boy sacrificed his youth for _us_. Sometimes I wish I could have done to somethin' to prevent that from happenin' because it was a crying shame. In my opinion, this boy should have lived and not died like that. He was only a little boy with a big future in front of 'im. And in my opinion, he should have had the chance to become a great man.

The same goes for Hotohori, who died leavin' a wife and child behind. Sure, it was his duty to protect the empire and so but it doesn't change the fact that Konan has lost one wonderful emperor. It doesn't change the fact that his child shall grow up without a father by his side. Naturally, I can't really say that I admire me own father very much but I know how important it is to have one. Poor boy, to have to grow up like that.

I never really got the chance to say goodbye to Mitsukake: hell, I didn't even know 'im that well in the first place. He was a nice guy but mostly kept to himself; I think he secretly laughed about me boyish behaviour. It's sad to think that I've never had the chance to 'ell him how much I liked him or appreciated 'im for his efforts. He did save my life that one time, after all.

Such things make me very sad 'cause I keep askin' myself why life is like that. Sometimes I ask myself why it was me, who survived this bloody mess. Certainly, it cannot be 'cause I am special or anythin'; I am just a bandit after all, who can't even swim. Even my own horse beats me up- such a man can't be somethin' special.

Not that I am wishin' for death or anything, I just keep wonderin' why. And it ain't no sin to wonder about somethin'. At least this what Chichiri told me, who spends a lot of time wonderin' about things. Even if he never tells me what he wonders about but I believe that one day, he shall tell me. 'Cause in the end, I am the only one, who really cares to know.

Maybe Suzaku has a job that is waitin' for me or I was just lucky enough to never really get the opportunity to prove my courageous nature. Ye know, it has to be a cruel twist of fate that me and Chirchiri were about to attack Nakago when Miaka finally summoned Suzaku. Not that I am complainin', I only wish that I could have pertained in doin' something useful for once.

I swear that this the only time in life when I became completely speechless. Here we were- Chirchiri and me- ready to fight and die for the sake of the priestess when a red light starts appearin' and ends our glory. I have to say I was never more disappointed but on the other hand, I was _grateful_. I was grateful that my life wasn't destined to end yet. For reasons that I've already mentioned above.

Still, it is a cryin' shame that I didn't have the chance to plunder the shops for some wine; it would have been to do that with good ole' Chichiri. Did I already say that is a great guy? Well, he is and I could keep on going how much he means to me.

Hey, don't ye misunderstand me, I am not in love with 'im or somethin' like that but he is like a brother to me. An older brother, whom I can really look up to.

After all, he is the only person in the world, who knows me as somethin' else than Genrou the bandit- he knows me as somethin' more graceful and meaningful. Bein' a bandit is not graceful thing and ya never earn the respect of people besides yer bandit fellows. But as a Suzaku Seishi you are somethin' important, part of a grand mission and people actually admire you for your deeds. 'Sides it gives ya good feelin' to know that you are doin' something of importance.

That is why I keenly believe that my life as a Suzaku no Seishi ain't over yet.

'Cause I believe that Suzaku- the bastard- still has somethin' in store for Chichiri and me. Or I am only hopin' that he does. Ye know, I would be extremely crushed if we didn't have another chance; I don't want to believe that my life shall continue to be forever like this. Why do I keep repeatin' myself- it must be the wine.

I don't only want to be a bandit 'cause it's a monotonous existence. Sort of. Ya only spend your time waitin' for some rich bastard to show up, then ya make a scene and take that blasted man's money. Now, ye should know that I don't feel sorry for such a guy because most of the time it is some capricious landowner, who mistreats poor people and treats 'em like cattle. He certainly deserves to lose some of his damned fortune.

I am not meanin' to say that I ain't proud of my profession-if ya can call it a one- but it seems to be a monotonous sort of thing. Ya rob an old bastard, who deserve it, and then ya spend your day getting drunk while singin' some dirty old love song; it is a rather useless sort of life. Not that I'm ashamed of me profession, this is merely an observation.

It isn't only that but somethin' inside of me is really dyin' to see Miaka again- I have no idea why- and I've spent nights thinkin' about her. I know that I ain't in love with her or somethin' even similar to that but ever since that damned girl came into my life, nothing but her safety has been on my mind. Maybe it's a strange sort of sickness like a constant migrane, that never disappears. I know that I'll never forget Miaka, even if she never comes back again.

I know that it's difficult to understand, unless yer a Seishi. But still, I believe that my adventures ain't over; I have some sort of feelin' that Miaka still needs the monk and me. And I'll be waitin' for that moment to come.

_Owari_

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End file.
